Why Relationships Help Us Process Traumatic Grief

When I arrived on a scene this past weekend, a common aspect of traumatic situations occurred yet again.

Because a pre-teen had been found dead in bed, I was dispatched to a local residence. I arrived and met his parents in the living room. There were the normal introductions amidst tears, including difficulty with even saying their own names. I hugged the mom, shook hands with the dad, and greeted a younger sibling.

“The privilege of being involved in such intimate moments in people’s lives helps give them a portion of what they need to survive.”

-Chaplain Drew Buckner

They described the events of the past 12 hours that brought them to this point. The discovery of their deceased son was a truth which had not yet completely sunk in. It never does early on, but sinks in slowly instead of immediately. It is our system’s means of allowing us to handle such shocking news. Commonly, parents whose child has died hope to soon awaken from the nightmare and find it not to be true.

Phone calls were initiated and received. Some of them enabled the release of deep feelings. It was because someone who was closely connected to the family was on the other end of the conversation.

A grandparent of the deceased arrived. Emotions arose to the level of sobbing and ongoing stunned disbelief. Some talking occurred and a lot more crying. Family members held onto each other just to survive the moment.

These escalating emotions were expressed because an existing relationship provides the platform for such pain and suffering to be acknowledged. This more intense expression of grief exits in the company of close family members and friends because there is trust and familiarity. These close bonds provide what no one else can, a safe place to release pain and sorrow. Without such relationships, this level of hurt would not be processed in a healthy fashion, but could largely remain inside only causing more long term issues.

In my role as a chaplain, I am able to provide a degree of this, even as a stranger. The privilege of being involved in such intimate moments in people’s lives helps give them a portion of what they need to survive. A caring presence, prayer with the family, and promised follow up all contributed to the ministry to this devastated family.

If we are blessed with such caring relationships, give thanks. I encourage the ongoing building of such relationships as we will all need them at some point.